Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Alive and Well

Hi Friends,
Yes, I'm alive and well!!  Sorry for the long delay between posts.  You know it's time to post when some of your faithful followers start to think the worst!  Thanks to those that contacted me and "encouraged" me to write something!

The Big Guy is 16!

Life has ramped up a bit now that my oldest son is 16!  Gee, where did 16 years go?!  And how is he driving?  And when did he grow taller than me?  And what about that deep voice?  Oh MY!  Let's just say I'm a little startled at this taller, grown up model of my son.

Michael and Boots pose in the sunshine

And did I mention that my middle guy just hit 14?! and my baby is 10?!  I'm trying not to let the cat out of the bag, but apparently I'm aging--Drag!  Of course, I have lots more ideas popping in my head, so I'm not looking to redeem my one-way ticket to heaven just yet!

I'm trying to recalibrate my farm world a bit.  You know how we sometimes have to stop, take a deep breath and figure out what we are trying to do?  In farm lingo that translates to questions like:  "where did all these animals come from?" and "how did my systems for caring for said animals become so complicated?" and "how big of a garden do we really need next year?" 

Our first sheepy visit to Under the Son Farms in 2011.
It's easy to fall in love with these little cuties!

My sweet little sheep left to live on another farm this week.  It's sad to see them go, but also a relief to send 3 animals elsewhere.  The hard part is finally realizing that a dream that my brain hatched didn't fall into place like I envisioned it.  I have a tough time letting stuff go even when a dream or idea or hobby or project has run it's course.  It's hard for me to determine where the endpoint is. 

I've tried to let things linger indefinitely thus avoiding these difficult decisions, BUT then I get overwhelmed because my brain is ever hatching up new adventures, wacky ideas, and projects to start on.  Do you have this sort of ongoing mental popcorn??

I'm still working my way through the whole depression thing, too.  It seems that when I fell apart 10+ years ago and started taking antidepressant medications that I perhaps DID have some junk/issues that needed to be worked through.  Apparently I couldn't face it then and was convinced that my life was great and my melt-down was all related to a chemical imbalance (no mental issues, oh no surely not!)

The truth is I DO have a great life!  I am blessed in so many ways.  Knowing that I'm blessed somehow makes me think that I'm being ungrateful for those blessings if I admit that everything is not hunky-dory on the inside.  My method for dealing with my internal struggles is to work harder (physical labor has been my tonic for any number of dilemmas) and choose to be happy.  Those are both fine and good, until the day that you wake up feeling empty and dead inside, completely unable to control your emotions.

That's what I found when I weaned off the antidepressants.  I knew the antidepressants had to go because I was feeling dead and lifeless and found myself crying about all sorts of things, both real and imagined.  Not a good place to be. 

Don't worry---I already know what you are thinking--Are you in counseling??
Yes, I've enlisted in some counseling. 
Not my favorite thing to do (you know, dredge up some old, old thing that has been bothering you unknowingly for decades and have a good cry about it all the while paying someone to pass you a box of tissues!)...but necessary none the less.

A good counselor can help you unpack an old musty suitcase that you've dragged along for God only knows how long, clean it out, and repack it with some good healthy messages of hope. 

That's where I'm at.  I want to fully live this life that I've been blessed with!  I am cleaning out the garbage bin. 

Hi.  I'm Pam.  I'm 48-years-old and it is time to clean up my head!  (Our own little cyber-space recovery meeting!...Care to join me?)

Let's chat again soon.



This is the day that the Lord has made;
let us rejoice and be glad in it.
                     Psalm 118: 24


  1. well hello! Good seeing you here and I sure could jump on your cyber band wagon. I wanted to tell you 1st off that your dog boots looks like one of my dogs that has already crossed the rainbow bridge. Sadie Sadie pretty lady was very special. I surely do miss her and all the others who have moved on. It amazes all the Moms (mostly) at the speed our children grow up. I have a son who will turn 40 this Christmas now that's a question of where did all the time go and now there are the Grand babies.............who are not such small babies any more. We can only hold tight to the life line and go along for the ride. Hang on tight Pam the best is yet to come. Great seeing your post.

  2. I wish you well you your journey. It's always hard to face the bad stuff, but it's necessary. Facing them head-on helps to diminish their power over your life. It takes strength to face these things, and I know you have it in you. God bless.