Just Fake It

Been wondering where I've been?
Me too.
My life spun out of control for the past year.
My Dad died in March 2014. I was already on rocky ground emotionally before he died.
His death was sort of a nail in my coffin, too.
Emotional healing is hard. Really hard. And it takes a lot of time. At least it has for me.
I've learned a lot in the past year.
I've learned that I don't want to go backwards, and yet sometimes I still do.
I've learned that I have to go back and face the pain, walk through it, to find freedom and healing on the other side.
I've learned that depression and anxiety prefer to play a sick game together.
I've learned that a full night of sleep is a most beautiful thing.

I've recently realized that I've forgotten how to dream and have goals for my life.
Today I decided that even though I feel empty and without dreams, I will create some made up dreams.
Sort of a 'fake it till you make it' plan.
I'm going to keep reading through my made up dreams until I start feeling again...until my dreams become real and important to me again.

One of my dreams is to help others whose emotional life is spinning out of control.
I don't really know how I will do that.
But I know that I can't help anyone in my silence.
....and so I will share.
The up's
The down's
and the building of a life in between.

May God bless your soul richly today.
pam
 

Praise Him!

New Life

I gotta come clean.  I've had some really rough weeks recently.  I've hit some lows and I don't like being there.  I've had that lost, empty feeling.  Those that know me, know that I've been here before. 

I found myself crying a lot--actually, more like trying not to cry.  Trying to hold myself together and present a happy face for my family.  (Note to self...this approach never works....you already knew this, ya big dummy!)

I finally knew what I needed to do.  Tell some trusted friends about the struggle, the inner turmoil and sadness.  Ask them to pray.  Prayer works.  Opening up and sharing the pain helps.  I don't exactly know why it's so hard to get to this point, but I have to get to a really dark place before I can open my mouth and ask.  I just never want to burden other people with my pain, my struggle.  I don't ever want to make someone else feel this bad. 

I think this is predominately a spiritual struggle.  If the Enemy can stifle my spirit, he wins--he pulls me low and I struggle in all areas....managing my home and family, educating our children, ministering to others.  The Enemy wins when I become ineffective in all these areas.

He wins until I pull my depression out into the Light.  I share and receive healing prayers and love.  And of course my dear friends want to know why I didn't tell them sooner.  I sometimes wonder the same thing.

One dear friend reminded me that the Bible says that I am to Praise God in all things.  I am to Praise Him for Depression!  Let's just say that I had NOT been praising God for this struggle.  I had been praying fervently asking Him to take the struggle away or make me strong enough to walk through it, but I had forgotten about the praise.  My friend suggested that I Praise God for this out of my desire to obey Him.  I'm not telling Him that I love depression, just simply that I Praise Him and trust that He will see me through this to grow me and/or to bring glory to His Kingdom.  I can trust that He will use my pain.  I can trust that He will see me through this.  I can trust that He is purifying me. 

I am Praising God for my depression! 

Praising God changes everything about this struggle. 

Thank you, Patti, for reminding me to Praise Him.
Thank you, Dear Friends, for carrying me to Christ in prayer. 
Thank you, Craig, for helping me to cry.

Thank You, Lord, for not giving up on me even when I have to repeat these lessons over and over. 
Thank You for Your Patience, Love, Kindness, Peace.

I have depression. 
I am blessed.

much love,
pam


Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth.
Worship the Lord with gladness;
come before Him with joyful songs.
Know that the Lord is God
It is He who made us, and we are His;
We are His people, the sheep of His  pasture.

Enter His gates with thanksgiving
and His courts with praise;
give thanks to Him and praise His name.

For the Lord is good and His love endures forever;
His faithfulness continues through all generations.
                               Psalm 100

Therapeutic Journaling

One of the issues that has plagued me with my depression is an ongoing sense of deep sorrow.  Sorrow without explanation.  Sorrow and its cousins Guilt and Shame.  It's easy to push Sorrow, Guilt, and Shame deep down in our gut--cover it over, and do our best to be happy.  But with years of this chronic stuffing, Sorrow, Guilt, and Shame grow larger than life.  Hiding them away somehow fortifies them and they grow and grow and grow. 

Eventually they bubble over.  We are no longer strong enough to contain these toxic emotions.  They come out.  They prefer to show up at the most inopportune times.  It isn't pretty.  It's frightening to us and our loved ones. 

The first time Sorrow, Guilt, and Shame reared their ugly heads for me was about 10 years ago after a difficult pregnancy.  The outcome of the pregnancy was good, but the anxiety and fears took a toll on me emotionally.  I cried for no reason.  I sat, numb and lifeless, and cried.  I tried to pull myself together and couldn't.  That's when I started taking antidepressants.  I talked to a counselor briefly, but only dealt with the surface level which was a determination that I should be joyful--my precious baby was healthy, my lengthy hospital stay was over, I was reunited with my dear family.  I chose not to go deeper at that time. 

10 years of depression and assorted antidepressants followed.  They worked.  Sort of.

Last year, the antidepressants stopped working.  This was actually a blessing since the meds really weren't working very well overall.  I was back to feeling numb and lifeless a lot although I could still manage to hold myself and my family together to some degree. 

As the doctor changed dosages and meds, I found that sometimes antidepressants will actually mimic or worsen the very symptoms of depression!  That's when I knew that I had to get off the bus.  I didn't know how to proceed, but I knew in my heart that God wanted me off the medications.

I am happy to say that I am off the antidepressants. They were weaned over the course of many, many months.  Weaning off the antidepressants was painstakingly slow because my body was fully addicted to those chemicals.  My body had to learn to create it's own happy chemicals again. 

I've sought out a variety of alternative, natural remedies.  I use essential oils and assorted supplements to support my health.  I hope to share more about that in future posts, but you are welcome to email me if you want more info. 

I've also started working with a counselor.  Therapeutic Journaling was one of my first assignments.  This practice has great value for me. 

I like to do my Therapeutic Journaling in the morning.  It's easy to do. 
What tools will you need?  Blank paper, a pen, tissue, and a trash can. 

You'll need a safe place to work by yourself.  Sit down and start writing.  Just write whatever comes to mind.  Don't try to edit or clean up your thinking.  If anger bubbles up, let it.  Write it out.  Cry As Needed.  When Sorrow, Guilt, and Shame rise to the top of your consciousness LET THEM OUT!  Don't try to figure anything out or analyze it.  Just let it out.  Write it out.  You will cry.  You need to cry to purge these old toxic messages. 

The first few times you try this, you may write a LOT of pages.  I did.  As I chip away at the stuff in there, less is coming up.  My writing has gotten a bit shorter.  My typical journaling session fills both sides of lined paper.  This is just my experience--yours may be different.  There are no rules.

How will you know when to stop writing?  The tone of your scribbles will change.  It will change from anger and sorrow, to hopefulness and answers.  Then you'll just sort of know that you are done.

Next step?  Crumble up the paper(s) and throw them promptly in the trash.  You can choose other methods to destroy the page--you might prefer to burn or shred your pages.  Any way is fine, but you must destroy the page.  Do NOT reread the paper first.  Just get rid of it.  Be Free.  Have peace.  Allow joy to enter your soul.

So here are the basics again:
Write. Cry.  Destroy paper.  Repeat.

After that, you need to say some positive affirmations.  Fill your mind with positive encouraging words.  (we'll chat more about this later, too.)

You are a dearly loved Child of God.  God sent His Son Jesus to free us from guilt, shame, and sin.  Jesus is happy to take these heavy burdens from us.  We must choose to let Him.

may you feel God's incredible love for you today,
pam


Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
      Psalm 68:19


IMPORTANT!  I am not a doctor.  I am not prescribing health care for you.  You are a grown up.  You can take responsibility for your health and wellness choices.  My only purpose is to share what I have experienced.  I use Essential Oils and Products and share these products with others as an Independent Product Consultant.  (translation:  I make money when you purchase these products through me).  I only share these products because they work for me and my family. 

EVEN MORE IMPORTANT!  If you take antidepressants, do not stop them abruptly!  This is very dangerous.  Antidepressants should only be weaned with the guidance of your doctor.